The Good Ex-Spouse

Recommendations for Happy Co-parenting

In 2005, I joined the rising, very inclusive club of divorced, single parents. While the details are not important, it was important, to have the experience be as “kid friendly” as possible for my 3 children. My children ranged in age from 3 yrs. to 18 yrs. It was going to be a challenge to parent with my now ex-spouse on each individual child’s level. One of the first few days after the split, a friend suggested to me that while I did not have control over the situation, I did have control over my reaction. That IS the best advice I have ever been given.

This is not to say that I was not angry (I was) or that I did not make mistakes (I did).

Get Counseling

To learn how to help your kids adjust to the divorce.

They are making huge changes and they need help adjusting as positively as possible.

Learn

There are hundreds of books, internet sites, and groups out in the world to help you on your new journey. Learn how to see divorce and child custody as a negotiation. Not an emotional war. The more you learn the more you are prepared in your new life.

Stay Positive

Always, send them off to the other parent’s house on a positive note. They need the other parent. They love the other parent and want to have a good time without guilt. It is not their job to be a spy, report, only to love you both.

Listen

Even when it hurts, listen. Kids need to talk. Would you rather they didn’t?

Have Fun

Yes, it may seem absurd. Kids are still kids and you are still you. Fun is a bonding experience.

It is a way to say to your kids, “life goes on,” something they really should learn. It will help them through out their whole life.

Remember

Kids want to remember good times. Yes, you had them. It is okay to create more good times.

The kids’ perspective is different from yours. My kids love that their father can participate at any time. Be clear about boundaries, but be friends.

I highly recommend reading “It’s my divorce too” by Marina Lombardi.

The book is written from the perspective of a teenager with great advice for parents.

My ex-spouse gave me the gift of freedom and the ability to learn about myself. I love who I am today and I would not be me without a painful divorce. I would not trade the lessons, experience and life I have today. I watched my oldest mature and go away to school. My middle son and I took classes at S.R.J.C. together. My youngest and I have embarked on wonderful adventures together.

Remember,

You can have this,

OR

You can have this.

tracigray@empirecollege.com